MEMO
FROM: @jaybate 1.0, Director/Janitor, Directorate World HQ, Langley IHOP, Langley, Virginia, BIA,
TO: @Lulufulu, Case Officer, Northeast CONUS, BIA
RE: Operation Southwood
CLASSIFICATION LEVEL: quinessentially secret
ENCRYPTION LEVEL: Quantum Pig Latin–a key found in Allen Turing’s possession just prior to his departure from this mortal coil.
Word straight from the top of the private oligarchy in ownership of a key element of the private Federal Reserve is that DPT and DDT will be appropriated and used by supposed basketball fan-terrorists as talking points in a covert plan to get Coach K another ring. The covert operation is reputedly called Operation Southwoods, and in this plan a false flag operation will be undertaken by covert Duke special ops pretending to be the KSU fans that orchestrated the Jayhawk being violated in the pornographic formation used by the KSU marching band. These basketball terrorists will be brandishing bull castration implements and will rob a dollar store of four balsa wood and rubber band propeller driven aircraft and will then storm and occupy a dormitory on Daisy Hill. From the roof of one of the dorms, these perpetrators will arm the balsa wood and rubber band driven airplanes with Black Cat and Zebra brand fire crackers taped to their fuselages and fly them into the walls of an empty Allen Field House the night before the the KU-KSU game this season, thus sparing KSU yet another humiliating beating. Allen Field House will shortly after the impacts erupt in white hot flame and the field house will fall in its own footprint. (Note: thermite charges will reputedly be used to saw the girder system of AFH at 45 degree angles and induce the collapse that could not occur simply from Black Cats and Zebra brand fire cracker detonations.) Further, all of the Daisy Hill Dorms emptied of students that will have already run down the hill to watch the collapse of their beloved field house, will, without being impacted by anything, inexplicably fall in their own foot prints. And it will subsequently be discovered in an official inquiry scoped to ignore the impact free collapses of not one but several worker housing style dormitories, that the Duke Chancellor’s adopted half brother he will claim never to have known, took over building security for Allen Field House and the Daisy Hill dorms a month before the event. This catastrophic event will then prompt BEMA COB (aka the Basketball Emergency Management Agency’s Continuity of Basketball shadow governing agency) to declare martial basketball law, suspend further NCAA competition, and arbitrarily award Coach K and Duke next season’s NCAA national title. Jeb Bush will also reputedly with draw from the National presidential campaign and be selected President of the NCAA.
Despite how fantastic all this stretcher seems, the BIA of course intends to use all of its considerable nonexistent resources available to its unfunded disposal to see that this tragic farce is not perpetrated upon college basketball, or KU, or Allen Field House. You, BIA Case Officer Lulu, have been tasked with retaining the services of former BIA Agent Ethan Dunk and his current IBMF (Impossible Basketball Missions Force) team to take down these Duke hooligans before they desecrate the greatest arena in all of sport, so as to leave the sharply inferior Cameron Indoor Events Center next in line for the rank of best basketball arena.
Of course, if you, or any of the IBMF team are exposed, captured, or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your existence.
(CUE: the smoke and the Impossible Basketball Missions theme)
