Kansas Season Review

  • (some facts slightly embellished for editorial effect) Recruiting. Kansas does a remarkable job bringing in Grimes Dotson and Dave McCormack whom we’ll refer to as Big Dave because Big Mac was already trademarked by some hamburger joint.

    Late Night. Kansas defeated itself before many fanatical fanatics, many of whom were mad because we didn’t defeat ourselves by more. Late night broadcaster Fran was unimpressed.

    Preseason. Kansas played some local junior high teams and won. Everyone but announcer Fran was impressed.

    THE BIG GAME Going against the Spartans or as some prefer Sparty, KU jumped out to a 53 point lead and then won by 5. Fran was impressed in how we gave up the lead. KANSAS’ LONG WINNING STREAK AGAINST BLUEBLOODS continued.

    Two gimme type games that are designed to make KU fans mad at the former athletic supporter who made a great deal for Time Warner. Not one KU fan in the state of Kansas saw any of these games on TV because of him. Announcer Fran was upset that he was supplanted as the most hated person Kansas fans love to hate, but only during these games KU fans couldn’t watch.

    THE TOUGH GAMES 6 games against future NCAA teams and recent NCAA tournament champions Stanford, Marquette and VileNova. Other TOUGH games were against Rocky Top who was really TOUGH, at least until Peyton Manning fouled out, the Terrorists from Wofford who were very tough until a 39 point run turned a 33-5 deficit into a huge victory. Announcer Fran really didn’t think any of the games were TOUGH games. Grimes said these games are TOUGH. Big Mac, er Big Dave wondered why he didn’t take the shoe money from Duke.

    Speaking of shoe money in a shocking development a Duke player slipped on 100 dollar bills that had fallen out of his shoes while running down the court. He realized the serious SCANDAL that would ensue and in a feat of superhuman strength tore his show, I mean his shoe and ESPN told the whole world that the poor young mans shoe had broken. Dukie V was visibly shaken.

    After beating Southern Dakota, another lackluster performance led many to think this team needed a break. Well they got a break all right, a broken hand. Doke broke and the 12 league woke to the reality that for the first time in anyone’s life time Kansas might not dominate them anymore. Cowpokes and kits wept for joy. Red Raiders and horned Frogs leapt in jubilation. Sooners said see ya later Kansas and psych clones spun themselves dizzy. The crowd of 26 people at a game in hoops hotbed of Columbia Misery smiled toothless grins. Announcer Fran was heard saying Kansas always making excuses.

    Undefeated season went awol in the hot desert sun just as someone in something called ncaa answered the phone. I think it was coach Self and he said to ncaa “we were wondering how the DeSousa case is coming along. We sure could use him back in the lineup.” ncaa said DeSousa, is that baseball player whose arms got real big? Coach rolled his eyes. Ncaa is not going to help us this year.

    When league play started Kansas got themselves ready for what they knew would be a tough two months. Announcer Fran would be doing every one of their games, and like an overzealous prosecutor in a shoplifting case he had dug up more dirt on this KU team than a Kansas farmer over a lifetime.

    Some games went good, some were really ugly. Some fans cried, some fans clapped. Message boards that follow the team turned into an ugly cesspool of sports filth. BigDave wondered. Grimes made us bicker. Moore was much much much less. Dot wanted to connect the dots, but there weren’t enough to connect. Lawson carried the team along with senior LaGerald Vick who would use their maturity and experience to make up for lost ground and return the 12 conference trophy back to where it belonged, in Lawrence, Kansas.

    In a shocking development announcer Fran was heard saying something positive about the Jayhawks. He said, and I quote, “compared to Depaul, or the Pac12, Kansas isn’t that bad.”

    BIG GAME 3 The Jayhawks head to the house that Kansans built AKA Rupp Arena. As our players were entering the arena, Nike agents were posted outside waving wads of cash at our players like ticket hawkers waving tickets in your face. Cal is seen hugging several of them and a Kentucky player came rolling up in his daddy’s ride that was in stark contrast to the 74 corolla he had to drive before he enrolled at Kentucky. Kansas’ LONG WINNING STREAK AGAINST BLUEBLOODS came to an end.

    Not coincidentally ncaa made a ruling on the Silvio Sammy DeSousa case. Silvio would have to sit out for the next 48 years for fake receiving money from shoe dude. At the same time an armored delivery truck was seen backing up to the delivery dock at the Blue Devil Towers in Durham NC. ncaa was asked and said “nothing to see here, they were just delivering towels to basketball players”.

    A major media college intern discovered an interesting fact while researching for a Eastern Area Sports Program. He was heard saying, “Did you guys know there’s a school called Kansas which has won some league called Big12 14 years in a row?” And Eastern Area Sports Program said “so, who cares?” Intern kid said “did you know they might lose their streak this year?” Eastern Area Sports Program said “Whoa, this is a BIG STORY.” And suddenly people everywhere were talking about Kansas basketball.

    Meanwhile ballplayer at Duke got a new pair of cash infused tennis shoes. They are special shoes because all the Duke player has to do is scan the bottom of the shoe at an ATM and it will spit out wads of cash. Several walkons at Duke were said to be jealous. When asked about it Duke coach K said “I don’t know what you’re talking about, he bought those shoes at Walmart.” Eastern Area Sports Program reported that night that controversial ATM shoes were bought at Walmart so there’s nothing to rumors that Duke player had ATM shoes. Eastern Area Sports Program announced somewhat controversially that from henceforth all college games shown on their tv station would involve Duke and officials were contractually obligated to ensure Duke wins. Coach K asked to be called special k from now on.

    Kansas suffers more horrible losses. And I’m not even talking about the games they kept losing. I’m talking about the departure of a player who CARRIED THE TEAM at times earlier in the season. One day after 18 consecutive passes to the opposition teams coach, band director, team doctor, center, cheerleader, ballboy, sweatsweeper, assistant coach, referee, his own coach (who grimaced), the scoreboard operator, the usher in the upper deck, the vender in the lower concourse and the parking lot money collector in the yellow safety vest, the player said he needed a leave of absence. Shrouded in mystery the player left campus 3 months shy of a college degree, which really wasn’t necessary anyways because who needs a college degree to play in the league, which is what he was heard saying.

    Kansas was now down to the 2nd place intramural team to finish the season as the varsity Jayhawks. It wasn’t pretty really. We suffered THE WORST LOSS EVER to Texas Silo Tech. ISU beat us. Grimes was rumored to be heard saying he was giving up making a shot for lent, but his coach refuted this by saying “I never saw him make a shot before Lent.” But because of the problems with everyone else, the intramural team asked BigDave if he wanted to play since, you know, he looked big and BigDave wanted to play. And despite the coaches nervousness about letting him onto the court other than for warmups, he let him play, and well, whadyaknowaboutthat? Coach was heard saying. BigDave can play.

    The team rallied a bit and their fans had some hope but selection sunday came. Some faithful were sure our stirring run to the 12 league championship game meant we were bound for maybe even a 2 seed. Eastern Area Sports Program said they were sure to be the first blublood to ever receive a 16 seed and have to play in the playin game. Announcer Fran said Kansas should be in NIT. More brinks trucks were seen in Lexington and Durham and the season came to a merciful end.

    (thanks to @approxinfinity for making this space available and so many others who provide the fodder for a piece like this.)

  • @wissox

    I could read this all day. I’m sad there was an end

  • @wissox a sold 5 genuine Lols for that one 🙂

  • @wissox jaybate???

  • @BeddieKU23 Chapter 2 coming out in April of 2020.

  • @nuleafjhawk Notice no use of petrocoshoecomplex and use of words like infarction, so no, I’m not @jaybate-1-0

  • @wissox PHOF!

  • I like Biggus Davus

  • @wissox you should have split it into 2 or three parts so we could upvote it more than once!

  • @DanR I’ll keep that tip in mind for next years review!

  • I should have added All Fiction, no Malice.

  • Thanks, @wissox! That was a fun read.

  • I think that we’re going to be putting on The Precious Hurt Show next season in basketball… Stay tuned.

  • @bcjayhawk It was fun to write as well. Took me a few days actually, unlike anything else I ever post. I’d write a little, come back to it later, do some more, etc.

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