SOME NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS I MIGHT BE ABLE TO KEEP
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There is no doubt that I have had great trouble keeping New Year’s resolutions. I have had so much trouble that I have quit making them for several years. But I feel that not making such resolutions to avoid self-disappointment has reduced my holiday joy and positive outlook to a level that is inappropriate for anyone not named Scrooge. So: here follows a list that I believe even I can keep.
I will eat more barbecue, when someone else is paying.
I will watch KU basketball without wearing a jock strap, a condom, or a maid’s uniform.
I will order home-delivered pizza more frequently than I will engage in multiple linear regression analyses of which foot is most pivoted with with JNewell.
I will stop calling Bruce Weber KSU’s interim head coach, and start calling him its “Ex-Interim Head Coach in Waiting.”
I will note, whenever doing so would not be in poor taste, that Travis Ford is so short he cannot see out of a pair of high tops.
I will be seduced by nude women that speak French fluently to me in any time zone where sex between consenting adults has not yet been ruled an offense punishable by square dancing.
I will step out of the way of oncoming locomotives, unless KU has just lost to Scott Drew.
I will fondle any beautiful woman of sound mind and body that asks me to do so in a polite, respectful and discreet manner, or that does so rudely, condescendingly and in a regional mall.
I will render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, while also hiring a tax accountant named Sy Loopholski.
I will continue to wonder whether Bill Self wears a rug, or if he has his barber cut it to look that way to keep all of us from thinking about why he runs so little zone.
I will make jokes about Dick Vitale.
(NOTE: ALL FICTION. SANS MALICE. HAPPY NEW YEARS!)
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I will finally except the fact that Missouri fans are the very lowest branch of the human species tree.
(NOTE: AVEC MALICE DES TIGRES)
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I vow to use “sans” more this year! JB thanks for mentioning the alleged rug on hcbs, I don’t know if it’s been discussed openly by this esteemed group? I’ve googled it even going back to Illinois postings and can conclusively say I don’t know. I think it is but then again he’s such a cool cat that he doesn’t seem like the type…ya know? Has he ever been asked about it? Or would that be wildly inappropriate, Jesse?
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@VailHawk–I would hazard that a majority of the KUBuckets posters have in the past, though perhaps not as recently as the life of this board, engaged in Self hair speculation. I do not believe that any professional reporter worth his weight in access would broach the subject with Self. If Self were to wear a rug and did not cop to it publicly, then he would likely get pretty hot about being asked the question in public. If his hair were real, a reporter would feel pretty trivial about asking.
The only guy that I can imagine asking Self such a question on camera was the guy that CBS pulled out of moth balls last season. I forget his name. Maybe Craig someone? Long ago that guy made a brief career out of ambush questioning. But then he apparently must have P.O.ed someone high up, for he apparently disappeared for a long time.
I know I wouldn’t ask Self point blank. But I would squint and look really closely as I asked him basketball questions.
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@jaybate 1.0 Agreed. I even felt guilty posting it here! I admire and respect the heck out of him so much that something so trivial as hair has no bearing on anything…unless it is affecting our opponents free throw shooting of course!!!
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@jaybate 1.0 However, what if Marv Albert asked him?
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“I will fondle any beautiful woman of sound mind and body that asks me to do so in a polite, respectful and discreet manner, or that does so rudely, condescendingly and in a regional mall.”
What can I say in response that could possibly do justice to this?
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“I will fondle any beautiful woman of sound mind and body that asks me to do so in a polite, respectful and discreet manner, or that does so rudely, condescendingly and in a regional mall.”
What can I say in response that could possibly do justice to this?
If you should come up with a response please email me as I don’t want to miss it. (beer)
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@HighEliteMajor If you have no response then @jaybate is clearly your elder by at least a decade!
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@jaybate 1.0 Jaybate’s got jokes.
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I will stop counting the number of times Dick Vitale says the word “penetration” when calling games.
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I will somehow try to insert into a conversation, “Normie, I’ve got a hole at the five the size of a fully dilated elephant in child birth.”
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I will try to keep my mouth shut when my so-called k-state friends say “what about them chicken hawks?”
