I was able to obtain a recent transcript of an interview done just yesterday with Coach Self, conducted by our own @jaybate-1.0. Warning. Some of the contents may be disturbing.
Q: Coach Self, thanks for speaking with me.
A: Who are you again?
Q: I’m @jaybate_1.0, with kubuckets.com.
A: I don’t know what that means. Is that your real name?
Q: Is that your real hair?
A: Look, I’ve heard of you, but a little background might help.
Q: Well, I think most KU fans would agree that I’m the most knowledgeable person on KU hoops; kind of a Dalai Lama sort of figure. I rule with wisdom.
A: Then we’re a lot alike, you and I.
Q: Let’s get moving here. Is the word “flexibility” in your dictionary?
A: You’d have to ask Cindy.
Q: What I mean coach, is why is it that you are so inflexible with your schemes?
A: My schemes have won me a lot of games. I’ve got 10 rings on my fingers, and they all say “Big 12 champs”.
Q: Coach, don’t you have 11 rings? I mean, where’s the other one?
A: Again, you’d have to ask Cindy. One for bone, ya know.
Q: Uh, anyway, Conner Frankamp told me you hate three point shooters. Your reply?
A: I’m sure he did. Little bastard. He took our playbook and gave it to Mr. Slime Ball in Koch town. That @Crimsonorblue22 is right … “slime ball.” Did you know Marshall really likes the Kochs? Or so I’ve heard. Well, to your question, I like three pointers that go in the basket.
Q: How can they go in the basket if your players aren’t permitted to shoot them?
A: Have you been talking to Brannen? He just needs to get his butt to class, is what he needs to do. Well, the best, most reliable shot is near the basket. That’s the shot we try to get.
Q: Coach, this season, though, the numbers were kind of undeniable, right? Like 56% at the rim.
A: That’s a little deceiving. Take Selden and Ellis out of that, and we’re shooting like 80% at the rim. I know, I know, that’s not true. Just feels like it, doesn’t it?
Q: So why do you play Selden so much; I mean, why does he start?
A: That’s a good question. I’ll need to think about that.
(five minutes pass)
Q: Uh, coach … you done thinkin’?
A: Uh, I promised him a chance to start. Yea, a chance. That’s all these boys get. A chance. I don’t make promises.
Q: Coach, I didn’t say you did make promises.
A: Yes you did. Or that’s what you meant.
Q: Alright, let me get to the most important topic. Shoeco’s. How do they influence your recruiting?
A: I know NOTHING!
Q: Coach, why did you say that like Sargent Shultz?
A: I don’t know.
Q: We we know you are an adidas school; I want to ask you about Nik …
A. Whoa, Whoa, WHOA! We DON’T say the “N” word around here. We say it with an “a” at the end. Nika. When you say it with an “a” at the end, it means something different. It’s part of our KU culture. It makes it funny. We can laugh about … ha, ha … see, it’s now funny.
Q: Use it in a sentence then.
A: You know, F*** that Nika bi***. That’s kind of in jest.
Q: I’m shocked coach.
A: Don’t be … get down here close to me … closer … they have microphones. We can’t say the real N word. We’ll all be out of a job.
Q: Who has microphones, adidas?
A. Uh-huh. They’re everywhere.
Q: Ok, then, I’ll move on.
Q: Coach, who’s the most important Jayhawk for next season?
A: Easy. Me.
A: Well, yea. Who would you say?
Q: Ok, good point. After you … who is the most important?
A: Probably Cheick Diallo. Well, the most talented, for sure. Not sure if he’ll “get it” from the beginning. Might have to start Jamari.
Q: Coach, Diallo hasn’t signed yet. Isn’t that a recruiting violation?
A: Not if you’re not recording this.
Q: What about the … (whispering) the adidas microphones?
A: Hah, they’re not turning me in. The messes they’ve go me out of. Hell, you wouldn’t believe it. Remember Cat Barber? Let me tell you about …
(Kurtis Townsend interrupting)
Townsend: Coach, that’s not a topic today @jaybate-1.0. Please move on.
A: Ok, ok. Mother freaking hen, he is. Would you like a jelly bean?
Q: A jelly bean?
A: Yes, a jelly bean. Here’s the bowl.
Q: But coach, they’re all blue. And they kind of look like pills.
A: No, no. Nice flavor. I keep them in all of my coaches meetings. Lightens the mood. I give free jelly beans to all the media members after our luncheons. Though that damn @Jesse-Newell says, “Sorry, trying to quit” all the time. He’ll eat the damn beans soon enough.
Q: Well, let’s get to different topic. What is your position on one and dones.
A: Don’t like 'em. I mean, I like the players. Love the players. Great kids every one of them. Don’t like the rule.
Q: Why not?
A: I mean, it’s not fair to the college game. These kids come in, one season, 8 or 9 months, and then bam, they’re gone. Kinda like a one night stand. Though, I’ve had couple that were well worth …
Townsend: Coach, remember what we talked about?
A: Right, right.
Q. Then why do you go after them?
A: One night stands?
Q: No, OADs.
A: Got to. Got to recruit the best talent.
Q: How has that worked out for you?
A: Look, the NCAA tournament is a potshot. It’s luck. There are lot media types that I have lunches with an pal around with all the time that will tell you that. Heck, there’s even a few Jayhawk fans that feel that way too. They know it’s luck. Great, great insight. Bad match ups. Damn committee. Put us in with Standford when they knew we had Embiid out. Then matched us up with WSU when, well, uh … they were like better than us.
Q: Though, couldn’t you have tried to adjust your game plan to deal with both of those teams, I mean try something a little different?
A: Like I’ve said before, that game planning stuff is crap. We play to our strengths.
Q: What was your strength this season?
A: Uh, uh … I said perimeter shooting before the season. Kurtis?
Townsend: Don’t say it, coach. The narrative is different now.
Q: But other coaches regularly change and adapt; they even do it game to game.
A: They do?
Q: Sure. Like Wiggins. He was a major match up advantage much of last season, why didn’t you post him up?
A: Post him up??? A small forward? What planet are you on? Geez, get this guy. Post up a non-post player? We are talking basketball aren’t we? We play a high/low with the post players in the paint. Silly talk.
Q: Have you watched Wiggins with Minnesota? How they spread the floor and use him there? The whole idea of maximizing his talent?
A: That’s professional basketball. We’re not professionals, sir.
Q: Let me ask this then … why do you hate the three point shot?
A: Hate is a very strong word.
Q: Love is as well, coach; you know what I mean.
A: Look, I don’t hate the three point shot. It’s just unreliable. You’re the Fool’s Gold freak, aren’t you?
Q: No, that’s someone else. That was @HighEliteMajor. But everything does flow from my posting tree …
A: Well, I do regret that comment. And I do admit to the world that my comment and how I handled practices and such sent our three point shooting into the tank. I regret that. @HighEliteMajor was right …
A: … Uh, yea, right. NOT! That @HighEliteMajor is a dumb a**. Some guys think they know it all. Who does he think he is, John Wooden?
Q: No, that’s me. I think I’m John Wooden. Wooden adapted to his talent.
A: Whoever you are, the three point shooting stuff is not real basketball. It’s not reliable. There wasn’t even a three point stripe for most of the history of basketball. I saw the Naismith rules. Nothing about three point shooting that I saw. The father of the game.
Q: Well, how do reconcile the fact that three Final Four teams shot over 19 threes a game, that each of those teams incorporate three point shooting as part of their offensive scheme, and that they create multiple situations to get those looks? Wisconsin and Duke shot boat loads of threes and got to the title game. MSU and Izzo have shot many more over the last two seasons than ever before. Isn’t that adapting to their talent?
A: That’s them. We’re Kansas. We do it my way, as my buddy, @JayHawkFanToo, will surely attest. Get your nose out of there and come on up here?
Q: Hey, where was he? I didn’t see him back there … Anyway, coach, I’m here to interview you. Why do you hate the three?
A: Ok, but please don’t tell anyone, agreed?
Q: Sure, agreed.
A: Well, when I was little, my dad and I were watching an old ABA game. Well, anyway, Artis Gilmore, big guy, squared up for a three. You remember those short, shorts they wore then?
Q; Yea …
A: Well, Artis wasn’t quite all tucked in, you get what I’m saying?
Q: I think so …
A: It scared me. And it scarred me. I thought it was a little raccoon and he was keeping it in his shorts. And that he was hurting it. I figured it out a few years later, and when I asked my dad about it, he just said that Artis shouldn’t have been shooting a three anyway. He was a post player. He should have stayed there and the whole thing wouldn’t have happened. I guess I just have a phobia.
Q: You have a phobia of … uh … raccoons?
A: No, no. I have a phobia of three pointers. I love little raccoons. But the other is a real phobia. They bring back bad memories. Scars. A big guy should be in the paint. You win in the paint. And you won’t see any raccoons you shouldn’t see if no one shoots three pointers. No little raccoons will be hurt.
Q: Is that why you said you “hoped to hell they wouldn’t” shoot threes?
A: Look, it wouldn’t matter if they just played with a chip on their shoulders. The chip.
Q: You mean like one of my boys @drgnslayr, always says, right?
A: That guy? Doesn’t he question whether we actually coach?
Q: That’s the guy. My protege.
A: I really need to wrap this up. Gotta get out on the recruiting trail again. That Calipari is really a Thorn in my side, but I try to turn the other Cheick. This could be a Maker - break day …
Townsend: Easy coach …
Q: Sure, thanks for the time.
A: Now remember, some of this stuff is just between us. Sure you wouldn’t like a jelly bean? Take one.
Q: Any red ones?
A: Kurtis, did you hear that. We have a comedian here.
Q: Well, ok, if you insist.
Q: Thanks for the jelly bean … quite tasty. I do have another quick question or two - Don’t you think that 11 conference championships in a row is the most impressive accomplishment in recent college basketball history? The true measure of greatness? How can anyone question your decisions, coach?
A: I have to go … Feed the Post, and Prosper.
Q: Yes, Feed the Post, and Prosper.
(All Fiction, of course … kind of. No Malice)