Some Coaches Fizzou Might Hire Next...
The moment a school hires Cuonzo Martin, it is probably time to start compiling a list for his replacement.
2008–2011 Missouri State 2011–2014 Tennessee 2014–2017 California 2017–present Missouri
Without putting too fine a point on it, so far, Cuonzo leaves shortly for a better job, when he’s on a roll, or he leaves for another equivalent job, when he’s not. Either way he leaves. The past is sometimes prologue, or at least foreshadowing of possibility. The historical pattern is three seasons and a move. Again, the moves happen after good third years, and after mediocre third years.
Cue some theme music.
(Sing to the tune of Nancy Sinatra’s schlocky, vulgarly arranged “These Boots Are Made for Walking.”)
"These soles are made for walking/
and that’s just what they’ll do,
in three years from now/
These soles are gonna walk all over you."
The soles have a brand, but we won’t get into that!
Cuonzo’s W&L statement is .606. His most recent stint at Cal in the Independent Republic of Berkeley saw him soar to a scintillating (for him) .614 W&L. He has won only 1 conference title in his 9-year, HC career and that was in the modest MVC at Missouri State—reputedly Brad Pitt’s alma mater formerly known as Southwest Missouri State.
C-Man has been to only 2 NCAA tourneys in the era of the Big Carney, er Dance, when almost every team that finishes in the top half of a power conference seems to get invited. Looking back, the C-man’s most accomplished season was 24-14 overall and 11-7 conference with a 4th place SEC finish, while coaching UTenn. He stunned everyone, perhaps even himself, by getting to the Sweet Sixteen that season.
Not meaning to slight Cuonzo here. I like him, except for when he cherry-picked Jaylen Brown out from under Self and my birds. Just trying to paint a picture. This guy makes Larry Brown seem like a home body.
And remember, Fizzou is NOT a home-coming for Cuonzo. He grew up across the river in East St. Louis, Illinois, not Missouri. He played college ball for Gene Keady and Squeaky at Purdue in Indiana. He only coached Missouri State for three years, which means Columbia, MO, is essentially a fresh start in meth country pit stop early on for the C-Man.
So: to reiterate, Fizzou probably should be compiling a list now for 2020, whether he gets them to a tourney in 2020, or finishes mid pack in the SEC and does the NIT thing.
To wit, my list of suggested candidates for Fizzouri’s 2020 hire…
Chris Christie–New Jersey Governor Chris Christie should be about done with the legal quagmire of his bridge gate scandal and looking for gainful employment in 2020, either as an ex-pol, or an ex-con. Reputedly shutting down a toll bridge into a major metropolis in a shake down for some cronies is exactly the kind of character Fizzou’s leadership traditionally relates well with. Not having any D1 coaching experience of any kind would also likely appeal to Fizzou, which had bad experiences with experienced guys like Quin Snyder, Mike Anderson, and Frank Haith from winning backgrounds. Christy is gregarious, and as a former lobbyist understands the unspoken currency of recruit, like a champ, and could later run for governor after being fired, or start a nostalgia band in Branson called the Neo New Christy Minstrels. Chris Christie: 5:1
Bashaar al Assad—I know. The besieged Syrian leader seems a long shot even for Fizzouri. But…Bashaar possesses a key attribute that will resonate deeply with Fizzouri leadership: no basketball skill and no basketball experience. B Assad, as his K-Street handlers refer to him, may lack coaching and basketball experience, but with his long political experience–albeit increasingly bad and perilous—he is well prepared for what the Fizzouri coaching graveyard offers up to most that like digging career holes there. Assad shows Fizzou grade talent by achieving a dubious daily double. Assad is currently reputedly targeted for overthrow both by the so-called US Deep State and by the USA Surface State. That could make timing an issue. Assad could become available too quickly, say well BEFORE 2020, like maybe next week? Assad reputedly shafted Joule Oil Company, which boasts a board full of American neocons, neolibs and intel types that should have known better than to plough big green into a place Israel’s Likudniks view as desirable water rights, and Putin’s Kleptocrats and China’s for-profit Commies have their eyes on horizontal drilling into neighboring states. Let’s put it this way: Syria’s a place where even private contractors don’t want to go fight dirty for time and a half, because of the reputedly huge American effort under way there to make the world safe for board members and preferred shareholders. The nattily clad Assad appears wisely to be anticipating an imminent job and career change. Assad would be a good fit at The Fake Columns, because he is used to ruins and would allow Fizzou to continue broadening spectrum of ethnicities Fizzou has hired to coach its hapless program. Just hiring more black and white coaches will NOT get it done diversity-wise in Methland. They need to be looking at everything from Islamists to Zoroastrians. But there’s an even bigger advantage to hiring Assad than increasing the percentage of Arab coaches working in D1. Assad’s long alliance with Russia should give Assad a pipeline to Soviet professional basketball players (male and female) willing to have plastic surgery to change their identities and genders, when necessary, to look younger and more masculine, when necessary, and so pass for collage age men’s basketball amateurs at Fizzou. Bashaar al Assad: 4:1
Tony Bennett (the singer, not the Virginia basketball coach)—I know this seems another XTReme Reach, doesn’t it? But think about it. The 90-year-old Anthony Dominick Benedetto aka Tony Good Pipes may seem a surprising candidate, since he has reputedly never EVER picked up a basketball except once in 1957, when he played a game of HORSE with Frank behind the Sands, with the winner getting bragging rights for best shooting pipes. Bennett reputedly won and so Fizzou should consider one of the greatest singers of all time for its HC slot. Further, Bennett’s series of duets with younger singers—dig his thing with Lady Ga Ga in “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp”—indicate he can communicate with today’s recruits. A plus would be that, at time outs and half times, the Fizzou scoreboard could run feeds of the last master of the great American song singing as only he can. Finally, “I Left My Heart Heart in Columbia Fizzouri,” could become a retro chart topper for both Bennet and Fizzou. Tony Bennett (the singer): 3:1
Melissa McCarthy (as Sean Spicer)—McCarthy-Spicer would be a truly inspired choice, because she would “sort of” break the gender line in D1 Men’s Basketball coaching. She also lacks head coaching experience, which, as already indicated, would be a positive to Fizzouri leadership, and her use of the wheeled-and-motorized lecturn so popular with Hilary Heads and anti-Trumpers on her SNL propaganda appearances could stir the excitement and ridicule on the sidelines during Fizzouri games; and this could in turn give the program the kind of coaching edginess it needs finally to break .500 in the never-tough SEC. McCarthy-Spicer will almost certainly be done skewering the Trump Administration and Mr. Spicer on Saturday Night Live by 2020, or maybe even in three months, if Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller doesn’t like the cut of The Donald’s jib re: termination of Federal employees and related impacts on ongoing FBI investigations. Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer: 2-1
Queen Latifah (as Hilarious Clinton)—The Queen has long wanted to play Hilary Clinton in a biopic, because she is as desperate about being taken seriously as an actor, as Sally Fields and Tom Hanks were before their Norma Rae and Forrest Gump roles. It is already rumored that Hollywood is in a bidding war over the futures contracts for the book and script that will be written one day for the Hilarious Clinton Story starring, in the stretch of her career, Queen Latifah. In an allusive nod to Forrest Gump, a leading PR firm has already agreed the advertising tag line for the future film will be: “My name is Hilarious Clinton. People call me Hilarious Clinton.” Enter Fizzouri. Fizzouri hiring the Queen pretending to be, er, portraying Hilarious Clinton as the Fizzouri coach starting 2020 will create PR for Fizzouri that it could not afford to buy if it saved a centuries worth of .500 season revenues. It would genre-bend reality coaching with film biopic fantasy—one leading smoothly and effortlessly into the other. Its is a sweet fit in other ways, too. While she was Fizzour coach, it could be a reality TV show about a coach having a reality TV show instead of a show where a coach rehashes the last game with an insouciant, sycophantic moderator (those were for @JayHawkFanToo, though because of hypergaslighting I cannot be confident he will be amused). Next, there would be a movie about a reality TV show about a coach with a reality TV show, portrayed by a woman playing Hilarious Clinton who actually coached D1 while wearing designer seizure glasses. Heady stuff. Very neo post mod. The state of Missouri has a long history of backing corrupt Democrats that break the mold for what was thought tolerable in politicians. They are all recalled as salt of the earth types, when not doing the bidding of machine politicians, or foreign private oligarchs, that elect them with ballots of dead persons, and stolen primaries. They undeservedly ascend to great heights by others criminality and misfortunes. They are never at all what they seem, but also both willing to pull a lanyard, or a non secure email account, and knock over countries , as well as vote for building roads that go no where but stills, or Mena Arkansas. The Queen, as she is affectionately known, is obviously a salt of the earth type. Hilarious is obviously not what she seems and once from Arkansas. The Queen as Hilarious, maybe even nail the character by sporting some designer seizure glasses, and so will force Hollywood to take the Queen’s acting chops seriously. Cher, wearing a typically outrageous, cupless, bondage and discipline bustier without her dentures, but with fish net support hose, and Dr. Scholls stilettos, will award the prized statuette to the Queen out of Hilarious drag. She will thank the academy and thank all those Fizzourians in Methland for making her reality television high concept role as Hilarious coaching the Fizzouri Tigers to a .500 season one of the most memorable times in her acting career. She will blow a kiss and announce she is running for President in 2024. Her first stump speech will be in front of the columns and she will be backed by Sally Fields and Tom Hanks in character as Norma Rae and Forrest Gump, and Tom Hanks will say, “Miss Norma Rae, you look just like my momma, Sally Field. I’m Tom Hanks. People call me Tom Hanks.” To which Sally Fields will respond, “Shut up, Forrest, people really like me.” Queen Latifah as Hilarious Clinton: 1 1/2: 1.
There are more head coaching candidates to be considered for the Fizzou job in 2020, but they are longer shots than you might be ready for. For instance, Brad Pitt, after slumming it with Tarantino and becoming box office CBW after his brutal divorce from miss lightness herself, Angelina (nee Botox Lips) Jolie, has reputedly offered himself as coach of Missouri State, though he insists he would not debase himself by coaching MU. There is apparently something about college basketball coaching today that is very attractive to persons without experience, or knowledge of the game.
(Note: all fiction. No malice. None of the celebrities, or anyone else, for that matter, mentioned did any of the things satirized above. They are all doing great things for our entertainment, including the University of Missouri. Its been a hoot watching them in the SEC. Rock Chalk!!!)
You got an upvote for like the first two lines
Ok now you get another upvote for the list of coaches … As you would say, HOWLING.