Pre Game Fake Rumors

  • Coleby gets leg transplant. Will get double double.

    Kevin Young has been called back and given a face transplant to look like Carlton Bragg and will be used in place of Bragg, once the healing from the plastic surgery is complete.

    Landen Lucas is actually 5-11 but playing on really big titanium risers.

    Lagerald Vick’s performance has fallen off of late, because of a rumored Vick’s Vapo Rub overdose.

    Kurtis Townsend is so exasperated with the misfortunes of this team with the still sparkling 18-2 record that the coach noted for sartorial splendor has decided to junk his custom suits for Filson (Might as well have the best) oiled tin cloth pants and cruiser jacket and a tin cloth cruiser hat. Always conscious of coordination in his outfits, Townsend has opted for some mud spattered Danner steel toes.

    Josh Jackson will become the first OAD to score 75 points in a meaningless interconfertnce brand building game.

    Fred Quartlebaum has been promoted to Head Director of Student Athlete Development.

    Frank’s ankle is rumored operable, and he is said to have the inside track on the Tyrel Reed Most Valuable Player Playing Operable Award for this season.

    KU’s statistics department is fake rumored to have found a fake correlation in Devonte’s cramps and @JayhawkFanToo’s fake conspiracy theory imputing. It seems the more @JayhawkFanToo fake conspiracy theory imputes, the more Devonte cramps. Statisticians are also regressing @JayhawkFanToo’s fake graphics smears on Devonte’s cramps, but results are not yet in. Of course, fake correlation does not imply fake causality.

    Joel Embiid has agreed to use up some of his remaining fake “black eligibility” and play for truly depleted KU today. Fake Black eligibility is a new fake category of eligibility authorized in a fake Executive Memorandum by President TrumpPrime, at the encouragement of D-CIA Mike PompeoPrime, a big time fake KU booster, that allows KU Jayhawks that left early for the NBA to return and play a limited number of fake games for KU, whenever KU finds itself outmatched.

    Mitch “Baby Face” Lightfoot has undergone a combination of fake DNA testing and fake carbon dating and it has been determined at a 99% level of fake confidence that he is actually only 11.5 years old.

    Dirty recruited agents of the fake jBIA (the jaybate basketball intelligence agency) have confirmed that fake Julian AssangePrime of fake Wikileaks is ready to publish over 30,000 fake emails of fake Coach John CalipariPrime indicating that fake Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnellPrime is in fact a fake inter-dimensional Archon alien owning a tramp freighter for undisclosed fake reasons.

    Self and Norm Roberts have decided to invite Billy Clyde Gillispie to join them on the bench the rest of the way this season in order to get some fresh offensive thinking and to get their friend back into coaching. Billy Clyde will be the one on the bench wearing the nose glasses in Rupp Arena.

    Fewer and fewer board rats see Carlton Bragg as being able to replace Perry Ellis, despite having been quite confident before the season that Bragg might even exceed Ellis’ contributions. Hard to believe now, but January has a habit of chastening August expectations. With sights lowered, the burning question now among them is can Mitch Lightfoot replace Carlton Bragg?

    Jeremy Case, being the newest member of the staff, is being assigned blame for the team’s adversity. It is a tradition that the newest staff member take responsibility for all adversity.

    KU’s Director of Basketball Operations, Brennan Bechard, has been offered the job of replacing interim head coach Bruce Weber at KSU after this season, but has declined the position saying it was too big of a step down.

    KU’s Trainer, Billy Cowgill, will fly to a fake book signing in NYC after the UK game. Cowgill’s fake new book, “Playing Operable the Bill Self Way,” is a Fake New York Times Fake Best Seller.

    Fake word in Hollywood is that Annette Benning will play Kansan Kirstie Alley playing Kansan Vera Miles playing the lead in a fake “Andrea Hudy Story” time travel biopic that will be a story within a story within a story within a story. Benning will bulk up to take on the fake role of Alley-MIles-Hudy by working out under Hudy. Dr. Hudy has said she will not take it easy on Annette in her training as Kirstie, Vera, or Andrea. An Oscar seems a foregone conclusion in what should be the acting stretch of a lifetime for Annette.

    Jerrance Howard has committed to lose weight until he is taller than he is wide.

    Kentucky hasn’t got a chance.

    (Note: All fiction. No malice.)

  • @jaybate-1.0 funny stuff!

    I actually know what Sartorial means. Didnt have to look that one up.

  • @jaybate-1.0

    “but January has a habit of chastening August expectations.”

    Ha… could comment on every bit of this “fake news” but had to pluck out the definite “real news.”

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