Some Worst Case Scenarios for College Basketball

  • ~A sports apparel oligopoly desperate to spike sales first insists teams wear new uniforms for every game; then every half; then after every made basket–schools comply.

    ~A sports apparel industry even more desperate to spike sales insists teams wear newly developed tele-suits made of fiber optic fabrics that continually show jump cuts to new uniform looks interspersed with commercials showing torture images, followed by SI swimsuit models, followed by buy suggestions.

    ~Science discovers the secret to eternal life before Dick Vitale dies.

    ~Ground effects tennis shoes are invented that allow slow, fat guys to sky.

    ~Chips are embedded in the brains of referees, players and coaches to eliminate the risk of teams busting Vegas spreads, to keep games in windows, and to make coaches more likely to play OADs that aren’t ready.

    ~Rapid emergence of space colonization forces Self and staff to have fly coach on Space United to control cost of in-homes on the moon, Venus and Mars.

    ~The gaming industry starts a real time betting line on the outcome of video reviews and within months every play is being reviewed and games last 14 days.

    ~Jimmy Fallon quits Tonight before appearing in a single episode to replace Bill Self, who in turn takes over the Tonight Show; Self hires his old assistants to be the house band called Jerrance and the Snacks.

    ~An arctic cold front bursts the water pipes in Allen Field House turning James Naismith Court into an ice rink where a hockey fight breaks out.

    ~D1 basketball becomes the last profit generating business in America and is quickly subjected to the management principles of Peter Drucker–in three weeks it, too, is insolvent.

    ~ESPN’s Holly Rowe, fed up with fat jokes, reads about French dominatrix Catherine Robbe-Grillet in Vanity Fair and decides to bring some discipline to sideline reporting.

    ~Doug Gottlieb aka ecent anti-KU Dipstick is locked into a chastity jock by his employers at CBS and assigned to negative-cover KU full time–in three weeks he is found swimming nude in Potter’s Lake with Willie the Wildcat and forecasting the end of KU basketball, as we know it, to anyone that will listen. No one does, except for a few Chi Os without dates, and when they hear his anti KU rants they ask SAEs without beer money to pelt him with party balloons filled with a solution of body hair depilatory and pledge urine. The SAEs without beer money comply. An LPD police investigation ensues. It finds there is insufficient evidence to bring charges against the SAEs, but turns over evidence to Douglas County D.A. Will Inndight, who finds Gottlieb and Willie the Wildcat broke no laws but may have violated good taste in relations between broadcasters and mascots.

    ~Shameless NCAA leadership moves March Madness to the Soichi Olympics site in Russia in exchange for a 10 percent cut in Putin’s oilco revenues; then begins selling Putinwear–with slogans like “KGB Rules” and “Get your oil-backed rubles here” and “Ski Siberia: Its More than Just Gulags,” and “Russian Hoopahs Do It in Permafrost.”

    ~An NCAA rule change makes forearm smashes to the head worth 1 point inside the trey stripe and 2 points outside it.

    ~John Calipari suffers a hair fire that renders him even less aware of surrogate test taking.

    ~Digger Phelps uses an invisible highlighter the color of his invisible tie to telestrate crucial plays in a blacked out game.

    ~Tom Izzo adapts to new tighter foul calling by dispensing with making his players work out in football pads and instead buys the team tights and tutus and forces players to stand on point for hours on end.

    ~Stumpy Miller is given a Nike shoe box to stand on during games and can finally see well enough to win the PAC 12…

    ~KSU leadership decides to stay the course with Bruce Weber, despite Weber despairing and hiding in an experimental barn with a milking bucket on his head.

    ~David Letterman, holding out for his alma mater Ball State to win a ring, dies on stage–but audience and staff fail to notice for two and a half weeks. Ball State still does not win a ring.

    ~The NCAA requires all D1 players to have children out of wedlock and then to have local media spin it as a positive.

    ~Hype is found to cause cancer.

    ~Steve Alford does not come to practice at Pauley Pavillion for three weeks and no one notices but a chainsaw juggler in Venice that Steve has become inexplicably fixated on.

    ~Frank Haith is never positively diagnosed with cell phone addiction, but he is found to have super glued his Samsung to his right ear.

    ~Methamphetamine production is cracked down on in Missouri and 15,000 Tiger fans with cracked teeth begin cracking Sudafed on camp stoves in the stands during games.

    ~To stop his Tulsa Hurricane’s losing ways, Danny Manning tries The Hair Club for Men, but accidentally checks the box for a “Dr. Phil Style” instead of a “Bill Self Style.”

    ~ESPN’s Andy Katz is found to have been living conjugally with a Maine Coon since 2007,

    ~Clark Kellog gets lock-jaw, but then is successfully treated and cured.

    ~El Nino and sun spots trigger the unintended consequence of making young coaches want to model Scott Drew–incompetence goes epidemic.

    ~Jim Boeheim denies he suffers from narcolepsy; but then sleep-coaches his way to another ring.

    ~Cin quits telling Bill to enjoy the process.

    (Note: Obviously all fiction. No malice.)

  • ~Doug Gottlieb finally comes to the realization of the mistake he made back on February 22, 1999, during the Oklahoma State / Kansas game.

    During an Oklahoma State timeout, Gottlieb reversed his shorts because they were put on backwards, but he recently realized that it was his life that was put on backwards and needed to be reversed.

  • Amazing imagination and vivid imagery Jaybate.

    Like the Chi-O’s for many reasons. Are SAE’s included for proximity to Potter, or do you like/dislike them?

  • And by the way Jaybate, yet another PHOF on your part.

  • @JayhawkRock78, sorry, there I lost track of this thread. Thx for letting me know you got a laugh out of it.

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