The Case of the Missing Trey Shooters

  • Part I

    Della Street ( a 1962 Barbara Hale in a tight suit speaks through a husky purr): Perry, a Mr. Bill Self is here to see you. He says he has come from Lawrence, KS in 2014 to speak with you. He says he is a basketball coach. (penciled eye brows arch)

    Perry Mason (the wide bodied, X-axis, 1962 Raymond Burr with the piercing black eyes and black hair to match the black suit and black tie relieved only by a white button down stands up): Send him in Della and really swing it when you go out. I never let the studio audience know it but I really like to watch you walk.

    (Della slaps Perry hard and gives him a kiss).

    Della: There’s more where that came from, Counselor.

    (Perry rubs the cheek she slapped and smiles.)

    Perry: Tell Paul Drake to come up as quickly as he can. And tell him to go easy on the hookers down on Santa Monica Boulevard. I’ve gotten two bills claiming he was investigating hookers for me and I think its very unprofessional.

    (Della nods, exits and returns with a worried Bill Self in his suit he wore at the UK beatdown in Indianapolis.)

    Della: Perry, this is Bill Self, the head basketball coach of the University of Kansas in the year 2014.

    (Perry shakes Bill’s hand.)

    Perry: What can I do for you, Mr. Self? You’ve come…a long time…to see me.

    Bill: I’m not sure where to start.

    Perry (Perry lights a cigarette and drags deeply and exhales): At the beginning. Always at the beginning, right, Della?

    Della: Right, Perry.

    (She slaps him again, gives him a peck on the cheek and sashays out.)

    Bill (swatting smoke out of his face from Perry’s last exhale): A year ago, during the NCAA tournament, I had a dream team, the center a coach waits his entire career for, and one of the greatest wing talents to come along in the game in a long time.

    Perry: Good for you.

    Bill: It didn’t turn out so well. Frankly, Lady Luck took a big dump on me.

    Perry: I see. Where were you born? Massachusetts?

    Bill: No, why?

    Perry: Your accent.

    Bill: I’m from Oklahoma.

    Perry: That’s right…that’s why I’ve heard it so much. Lots of Okies came out to California during the Dust Bowl. You ought to feel right at home here.

    Bill: Could we get to my problem?

    Perry (drawing and exhaling): Of course. You were saying…

    Bill: The center injured his back and after making me think he would come back and play, he not only didn’t come back to play in the tournament, he didn’t come back for a second season. He just jumped straight to the pros.

    Perry: Can they do that in the future?

    Bill: Oh, yeah, pretty much all the good ones do, but I thought he wouldn’t because we had…like an agreement…

    Perry: Like an agreement? Was it written, or informal?

    Bill: A handshake in a lion preserve with his father.

    (Perry, lights a second cigarette and buzzes Della on the intercom.)

    Perry: Della, where’s Paul?

    Della’s Voice through the Com: He was investigating another, well, you know. On his office desk.

    Perry: The Charles and Rae Eames desk I fronted him the cash for?

    Della’s Voice: Yes, Perry.

    Perry: Tell him to get up here on the double. Come up the back way. Its faster.

    Della’s Voice: Ooooookay.

    Perry (to Bill): Continue.

    Bill: The kid was from Africa and had not played much ball. Its…oh, never mind, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. The only thing the center has to do with anything was that I was building this years team around him and he didn’t show up.

    Perry: I see.

    Bill: So, now this A-Hole board rat named jaybate 1.0…

    Perry: I’m afraid I don’t follow you. board rat? jaybate, uh…

    Bill: 1.0…I forgot, you don’t have the internet.

    Perry: The internet?

    Bill: In the future, they turn the telephone system into a digital information network, where everyone types and talks to each other interactively. They leave messages. And comment on each other’s messages.

    Perry (takes out a Bufferin bottle and pops a couple): Go ahead.

    Bill: There’s this jaybate 1.0 character, its his nickname on the internet, and he calls my team a donut with a hole in the middle because this big center did not come back to play. And he predicted we would be blown out by Kentucky, which we were.

    Perry: Coach Rupp is still coaching in 2014? Coach Wooden over in Westwood despises him. Says he may have to start recruiting, to conpensate for all of the under the table stuff supposedly going on at Kentucky.

    Bill: No, no, Coach Rupp is dead. There have been several UK coaches since Rupp. The current one is John Calipari, who now gets ten Mickey Ds on his team, when the rest of the top teams are lucky to sign three.

    Perry: By Mickey D, I infer you mean?

    Bill: Eh, they’re the best high school recruits. He gets most of them. I don’t. It sucks.

    Perry: I see.

    (Paul Drake rushes in breathlessly through the back entry door to Perry’s office. Paul’s zipper is down. His bizarrely white hair is rumpled. And he has two huge hickeys on his neck.)


  • @jaybate-1.0 Dude, when I read the title of your college ball caper I thought you were going old school, like with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or Wilkie Collins. Its cool though, Perry Mason is the man. Can’t wait to read whats next! Where have our trey shooters gone? Last one I remember had any impact at all was Ben and Releford.

  • jaybate Morningstar had no eligibility left.

  • Is Perry Mason what you get when you combine Perry Ellis with Frank Mason?


  • @bskeet HA! Thats funny

  • @bskeet

    Wanted to drag and drop it, but couldn’t determine if it were public domain, or not.

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