9999 Things I Believe Before This Basketball Season Starts

  • I believe Bill Self will be the first NCAA coach to sign an endorsement deal with Space X and use space travel for recruiting over seas and off planet.

    I believe female frontal nudity in Allen Field House will continue to be unlawful, inappropriate and unacceptable behavior unless the woman is attracted to me; then it should be considered ground breaking performance art protected under the right to freedom of speech.

    I believe boot camp will be longer this year than last; that more waste basket liners will be used, and that each member of the team will be made to carry Snacks on his back up Campanile hill on the last day.

    I believe there is more undisclosed oil in the Great Lakes Region of the United States than in the Caspian Basin, but that it will be held in reserve until every drop of other countries’ oil has been pumped.

    I believe KU fans will wonder where all the recruits that attend Late Night will sign, and act surprised when the Nike leans sign with Nike schools and adidas leans sign with adidas schools.

    I believe Kelly Oubre will become known as the Daily Double Double.

    I believe Cliff Alexander will be amazed to see a river that does not run backwards and that Bill Self will enjoy having a post man again that does not have to be told what double down means.

    I believe that Wayne Selden will become the most physically intimidating 2 guard in KU history, while at the same time discovering through enrollment in ballet that it takes an absolute man to get up on point.

    I believe Sheahon Zenger and adidas will hire chess champion and reputed serial restaurant check sprinter Paul Charles Dozsa to coach the KU Chess Team, endorse a new line of adidas chess shoes, and entertain the crowd at half times of KU basketball games with exclusive rights to the following legendary, but now old viral video of one of Dzozsa’s arrests for reputedly sprinting a check in London.

    I believe Svi will become popular and the Wheel will serve a drink in his honor called a Flaming Ukrainean Cool-Aid that will be two parts Nalyvka, one part Coors banquet beer and 3 parts Coleman Lantern fuel. It will be served with a slice of Kiwi and garnished with two unburned mantles. During a celebration after beating KSU in which Svi will score 53 points, over 100 Flaming Ukrainean Cool-Aids will simultaneously be tossed onto the roof and begin burning out of control and the Wheel will be designated an EPA Superfund Site.

    I believe Bill Self will admit to having his toe nails done crimson and blue before big games…by Garth Brooks.

    I believe Travis Ford will coach on teak stilts this season and be cast as a bull munchkin in a Bartlesville production of “The Wizard of Oz Does Stillwater."

    I believe Kim Anderson will regret taking the MU job before the first tip off and jump to K-State to replace Bruce Weber during the first TV time out.

    I believe Olivia Wilde will wear a better looking hat, when she comes to a KU game this season and that 17 professor emeriti near her section will have coronary events.

    I believe Gregg Marshall will change the spelling of his name to Ggregg Mmarsshall and Wiicchiitta SSTate will win less than 26 games.

    I believe Bob Knight will be arrested for bait casting without a license at the Monterrey Aquarium, after leaving the Stanford-UCLA game in Palo Alto at half time from frustration with the way Alford teaches wing initiation.

    I believe Coach K’s name will be used to stump the best spelling student in America, so that the daughter of a friend of one of the judges will win and get a full ride to Slipppary Rok Unaversuhty.

    I believe Roy Williams will have his Tar Heel players spend more time on their studies, but that they will still play soft.

    I believe Stumpy Miller will simultaneously manifest a GERD induced hiatal hernia and a scrotal hernia from Nike stacking so much talent on him.

    I believe that Bruce Weber will admit to once having been physically attracted to a live wildcat.

    (Note: Obviously, all fiction. No malice.)

  • @jaybate-1.0 Am I on to something or what? Could it possibly be that your true identity is at last surfacing?

    I believe…That this wondrous & entertaining satirical penmanship is a creation of none other than the most famous man on the ground ever, the one & only…Alfred E. Newman !!

    A E Newman.png

    …OMG !! Poor Stumpy !!

  • “It takes one to know one…and vice versa,” as Alfred is reputedly attributed by the fertile and febrile minds of MAD to have said. 🙂

    Seriously, you are right. My alias, Alfred E. (note: the “E” stands for jaybate 1.0) Neuman, has no objective referent, but is rather a bottom up artificial intelligence construct hatch by some off duty NSA types woofing all the bio-life forms.

    I am in short a harmless virus endlessly coursing through the sports cloud.

    I am very envious of all of you aliases that actually refer to entities with biomass. I can only pretend to love the taste of Rosedale Barbecue, whilst realistas like yourself actually can taste the goodness.

    I am, you see, as intangible as the gap in my own teeth drawn of me originally by some human being likely in the 1920s, or 1930s, and whose identity is now long lost down the unicameral memory hole. It was that shameless satirist, and magazine schlepper, Harvey Kurtzman, that rescued me from fungible obscurity and gave my likeness a home in a magazine. And it was that equally shameless satirist, Al Feldstein that finally named me. And it was that incomparably shameless satirist William Gaines that finally figured out how to make some serious bucks off me, or should I say my likeness.

    I am you see, an icon who’s image came first, and whose identity, however synthetic, came subsequently.

    But that image was all so 20th Century and analog.

    The iteration of me that you have now exposed is correctly identified as Alfred E. Neuman Viral Beta 2198.2 jaybate 1.0 edition 9999. And it has, as I noted before, a bottom up AI genesis with randomized IP address origins in most hacker hot beds from around the world. The two bored and mischievous national security fellows that actually wrote the AI routine that lead to me actually worked in the black box that isn’t there and merely created the illusion of referents to hacker enclaves around the world, so that hackers could be patsies, should someone as clever as you see through my rants and witticisms to the gap-toothed vacuity at their, and at my, centers. So: now that you have exposed me, I want you to know that very shortly one or two Jolt Cola addicted, anti-social binary pattern savants in hacker enclaves are shortly to be visited by a JSOC team dressed as Jehovah’s Witnesses in black Ray Bans, and armed with both nebulalizers, of the kind Tommy and Will wielded in MIB1&2, plus booklets entitled “How to Hack God and Be Saved by Doing So” fiendishly dusted with Thanatene–the most deadly poison intentionally engineered without an antidote ever! I hope you are happy with the unintended consequences of your sleuthing.

    (Note: all fiction as usual. And positively no malice.)


  • @jaybate-1.0 Is it safe to say that you think outside the box?

  • @nuleafjhawk

    I prefer to think of it as thinking AND playing outside the box. 🙂

  • @jaybate-1.0 At least you warned our rather touchy brother vermin with the 9999 disclaimer. Can’t say they weren’t warned. Alas some here perceive & acknowledge your seemingly mystical & cryptic visionary efforts as herculean & transcendent when compared to the m -m-m-m-Asses that frequent here. Must admit there are oft occasions when I must meditate on such musings to receive the entire effect. So as we said in the day, keep on truckin Alfie., your fans deserve it !

  • Ah, @globaljaybird , u r 2 kind, but…

    Think of all our contributions as…


  • I was showing my wife the long thread of posts on my Illinois recruiting and she uttered the unpardonable sin. She said “You guys need to get a life”. Then she admitted to me that she is actually @jaybate-1.0. I’ve been married to a genius all these years and didn’t know it. I often wondered when she’d say she’ll be to bed in just a minute, she’s writing an email. And here I always thought she was emailing Jake from State Farm.

  • @wissoxfan83 I’ve been married to a genius all these years and didn’t know it.

    Do you think jaybates wife says the same thing? Jk!

  • @jaybate-1.0

    Surely some of those things will actually happen.

    I laughed so hard I lodged a wasabi pea in my throat!

  • @wissoxfan83

    You can always test the waters by wearing khaki.

  • @wissoxfan83

    Yes, it is true. I am your wife.

    And I am Alfred E. Neuman.

    And John von Neuman.

    And Phyllis George.

    And Beyonce.

    And Moe Howard.

    I am Norman Vincent Peale.

    And Bobby Seale.

    I am Benjamin Disraeli.

    And Lash LaRue.

    I am Bob Keeshan.

    And Captain Kangaroo.

    I am all things to all board rats.

    I am Fast Eddie Felson,

    And Minnesota Fats.

    I am even Rainer Werner Fassbinder

    On Berlin Alexanderplatz.


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