Baseless Basketball Rumors

  • Bill Self is only recruiting Thon Maker to get his brother Matur Maker.

    When Bill Self admits Cin has been calling the offenses and defenses all along, the Oklahoma City Thunder will hire Cindy Self as the first woman head coach in the NBA.

    Joel Embiid has been faking the injuries as a practical joke that only Cameroonians get.

    Perry Ellis will work at the Magic Castle in LA this summer to learn how to make himself reappear.

    The first KU perimeter player to shoot 40% from 3 point range for a season will win the Brady Morningstar award.

    Jamari Traylor will be listed at 6-9 and 290 this season.

    The KU player that avoids injury the entire season will receive the Andrew Wiggins/Xavier Henry Award for Best Merchandize Protection.

    Brannen Greene is the leading candidate for the “3 Switched to a 4 for the good of the team” award.

    Svi Mykhailiuk will start a fad in Ukrainean cuisine in Lawrence that will lead to fans eating Borshch soup with Babkas and Bubliks. Concessions at a stand called Baja Kiev will serve Varenyky, Pyrizchky, Holubtsi, Miynsi, Pyrih, Studenetz, Guliash, and Kovbasa. Deserts will include Kutia, Pampushky, Syrnyky, Kyjivskyj, Zhele, and Varennya. The chaser will be Nalyvka.

    Naadir Tharpe will rejoin the team and change his major to selfie journalism.

    Tyler Self will be listed as a 6-7 and 249 pound lead guard.

    Connner Frankamp’s scalp will be declared eligible for social security.

    Landen Lucas has committed to making an impact this season wearing a crimson mouth piece.

    Hunter Mickelson will develop a top of circle three point shot, claim to convert to Bill Laimbeerism, and begin talking about KU being a bunch of Bad Boys.

    Bill Self will wear corn rows until the next national championship.

    Kurtis Townsend will become the first assistant coach to step up to head coach in his 80s.

    Norm Roberts will not be forgiven by Billy Donovan for jacking Embiid out from under Donovan.

    Jerrance Howard will have his Krispy Kreme ration halved and dance better with the team after wins.

    Fred Quartlebaum will reveal that he is the lineal descendent of L. Frank Quartlebaum, the man who wrote the “The Basketball Wizard of Oz.”

    jaybate will reveal that there is no place like home, except when the Deep State calls in a drone strike.

    The original Naismith rules will not be displayed until the last JFK assassination records are released in 2200.

    (Note: all fiction and satire. No malice.)

  • @jaybate 1.0

    Thanks for making me smile. Any way you can update it on Friday to get me through the weekend?


  • @drgnslayr let’s hope the draft tomorrow makes us smile!

  • @drgnslayr

    Anytime, slayr, updates are on me!

    I have been thoroughly enjoying your and others posts. Learning lots as usual.

  • Bill Self cornrows could happen IF he has the individual high-dollar hair plugs (neograft or artas…y’all seen the SkyMall ads) placed in the appropriate pattern

  • @Crimsonorblue22 It’s a good thing college basketball doesn’t draft - Kansas would always get crummy picks…

  • @nuleafjhawk are you referring to Embiid and wiggins? Not sure I’m getting you!

  • @Crimsonorblue22 We always win…therefore we would always pick toward the end of the draft.

  • @Hawk8086 thanks!!! So many hate the OAD I thought he was talking about that.

  • @Crimsonorblue22 Not at all - I meant that in the pros, usually the worst teams get the best picks and Kansas is always on top!!

  • “Joel Embiid has been faking the injuries as a practical joke that only Cameroonians get…” @jaybate 1.0

    Danny Ainge was named honorary Cameroonian last week.

  • @ParisHawk


  • I thought KU offered the Selfie major and Tharpe graduated early for his year long project last year. In fact, his Selfie was the model for the entire program or drama dept.

    Bill Self is especially interested in the Jeff Graves, Melo, or early Sherron Collins rows. I also heard that Iverson’s rows were also in the mix for consideration. The rumor has it they will be called the Selfish-corn-rows and will debut in Stillwater, OK in a marathon of cowpokes lining up to honor their native son in hopes of swaying him back to OK.

    The real rumor is that Cindy is positioning herself to takeover for Bonnie and they will win a NC. Tyler Self will be her assistant and the two will make mother/son D1 girls basketball history to win a NC.

    Connor Frankamp is learning what a SS card actually is and if corn rows will give him extra powers on the court, ala, early Sherron Collins. The rumor is that CF will have something that resembles hair by first day of class.

    Norm Roberts will jack the Florida vacancy after Donovan makes a sudden jump to the NBA. At this time, Roberts will unveil his secret weapon which is rumored to be the Cameroonian Mafia. Mr Embiid will be the god-father of the program at which time Norm Roberts will surpass all the great coaches to be the most improved D1 coach to ever reach the HOF.

    Great stuff jaybate 🙂

  • @truehawk93


    You did it better than I did!!!

    I am getting to be completely dispensible!

    Keep making us laugh.

    Not sure if folks realize what a perilous thread our great country hangs by right now.

    We need laughter again to see this through.

    Rock Chalk!

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