Some New Things Bill Self Could Tell the Media about the Billy Preston Issue
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~We have heard Billy may have gotten locked inside a malfunctioning Tesla S and accidentally activated the driverless software function…since he enrolled at Kansas. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~We are looking into possibilities that some engineering students over at Larned Hall projected a holographic image of a car complete with fake registration and license plates and that law enforcement officers mistook the holographic image for a real car and arrested Billy. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~Compliance officers are running down a wikileaks that former CIA Director John Brennan was trying to entrap President Trump into operating a car improperly in his possession with Billy Bush, but the private contractor misunderstood him and thought he heard Billy Preston instead. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~Compliance officials now have reason to believe that interdimensional lizard men posing as Rosicrucians decided to stop Bill Self and KU from winning a 14th straight conference title by framing Billy Preston for a car that he has never seen before. The intention was to permanently stop KU’s title run on the unlucky number 13 and so jinx KU eternal bad luck. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination about Billy’s car. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone…where there are no players with cars and Billy Preston was never stopped by law enforcement! We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~We are all want to get to the bottom of this quickly. I would put in a call to Fox Mulder and Dana Scully if I still knew their numbers. The truth is out there. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
Its all fake news. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~Its the Russians. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~Its the Clintons. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
~We are just grateful there were no allegations of sexual improprieties, sexual harassment, sex trafficking, hebephilia, pedophilia, necrophilia, Luciferian blood sacrifices, money laundering, pay for play, suiciding, judicial murder, extra judicial assassination, torture, treason, pay for play, foundation misuse, biased investigations, whistle blowing or any of the other things reputedly going on in our nation’s capital. We are hoping Billy will rejoin the team shortly.
(Note: all fiction. No malice.)
