Yesterday, December 6th, 2017, a date which will live in infamy...

  • At 7 p.m. on Wednesday, December 6, 2017, the first assault wave of UW Husky basketball players attacked the KU basketball base at Sprint Center, Kansas City, Missouri, taking the Jayhawks completely by surprise.

    The first wave targeted bigs and perimeter players. The second wave targeted scholarship reserves and walk-ons. The basketball raid lasted until 10:05 p.m. five starters were damaged, with three reserves sunk. Four starting perimeter players, one large aircraft carrier and three smaller reserves were humliated along with the entire coaching staff. The Huskies lost no-one and actually grew as a team in their penetration of one of two inner harbors and successfully launched 9 of 21 three point torpedos.

    Three prime targets; the Jayhawks projected Division 1 fleet aircraft carriers, Preston, DeSousa and Sosinski, were either not in the Sprint Center, or their and cryogenically iced and thus escaped damage.

    The casualty list at Sprint Center included nearly 16000 Jayhawk fans and civilians which shattered expectations, and a coaching staff suffering from being badly outcoached. Several players aboard the KU basketball team broke and ran after Matisse Thybulle launched 5 of 8 three point bombs that penetrated the team’s magazine causing catastrophic loss of poise.

    News of the “sneak attack” was broadcast to Jayhawk nation via internet posts, with many popular Wednesday evening entertainment programs being tuned out. The news sent a shockwave across the nation, resulting in a tremendous influx of young volunteers into a waiting line outside Allen Field House within a few hours after the game. The Husky attack also united the nation behind President Franklin D. Roosebate and effectively ended the Jayhawk Hubris Movement noted by Roosebate just two scant days before the disaster.

    On Thursday, December 7th, President Roosebate will appear before KUBuckets and make his speech asking for a declaration of war against the Petroshoeco-Agency Complex that has left KU so shorthanded that such a disaster was inevitable, calling the previous day “…a date which will live in infamy…”

    An advanced copy of the speech to be given by President Roosebate tomorrow has been printed below.

    "Mr. Chancellor, Mr. Athletic Director, members of KUBuckets and of other online Jayhawk communities:

    Yesterday, December 6th, 2017 - a date which will live in infamy - the University of Kansas was suddenly and deliberately attacked by 3-point and post forces of the Empire of the Petroshoeco-Agency Complex.

    The University of Kansas was at peace with that complex, and, at the solicitation of that complex, was still in conversation with its leadership and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in Division 1.

    Indeed, one hour after the Husky air squadrons had commenced bombing in the KU island of Sprint Center, the Complex’s Ambassador to the University of Kansas and his colleague delivered to our Athletic Director a formal reply to a recent KU message. And, while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of basketball war or of three point attack.

    It will be recorded that the distance of Sprint Center from the West Coast makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Petroshoeco-Agency Complex has deliberately sought to deceive the University of Kansas by false dump truck deliveries and expressions of hope for continued peace.

    The attack yesterday on the Sprint Center has caused severe damage to Jayhawk backcourt and frontcourt forces. I regret to tell you that very many Jayhawk hopes for post season have been lost. In addition, Jayhawk fans have been reported being laughed at in airports and business meetings between Seattle and Kansas City.

    Recently the Petroshoeco-Agency Complex also launched an attack against Wisconsin. Recently Complex forces attacked Louisville. Recently Complex forces attacked North Carolina State. Recently Complex forces attacked the Miami Hurricanes. Recently the Complex attacked Mississippi State. And recently the the Complex attacked Nebraska.

    The Complex has therefore undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Division 1 area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the University of Kansas have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our basketball program and nation.

    As wannabe Commander-in-Chief of the backcourt and front court, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense, that always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.

    No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the KU people, in their righteous might, will win through to absolute victory.

    I believe that I interpret the will of the administration and athletic department and of the faithful fans when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

    Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our program and our interests are in grave danger.

    With confidence in our basketball program, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph. So help us Basketball God.

    I ask that the KU administration declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the Complex on Wednesday, December 6th, 2017, a state of war has existed between the University of Kansas and the Petroshoeco-Agency Complex’s Empire."

    (NOTE: all fiction. No malice.)