Some Things that Might Increase eyez'n'clicks versus P-Burger State

  • ~Landscape the court with trees and tall grasses suitable for gorillas, and build a Dianne Fossey observation section on stilts with a mister for fans paying really big bucks.

    ~Same with a Dame Jane Goodall section, and have P-Burger State temporarily change its mascot to The Wild Chimpanzees. No mister.

    ~Each team plays with blindfolds for a different half.

    ~Hire little people as field house security. Arm them with hand grenades with happy faces on them. T-shirt slogan: “AFH Security–Dynamite Comes in Small Packages. Don’t !@#$% with Us!”

    ~Promise Harvey Weinstein as a special guest in the field house as being there to give a lecture called “Predator Producing for Dummies” and issue cross bows with poison tipped arrows to every third woman that enters the field house.

    ~Promise to introduce Paul Manafort at half time and have him sit in a pie-throwing booth, but instead of throwing paper plates of lemon meringue, throw heavy pyrex dishes full of 400 degree beef stroganoff.

    ~Promise to introduce Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, John Podesta, Huma Abedin, Anthony Weiner, and Barrack Obama at half time and offer them cheese pizza loaded with hospital grade laxatives, while an honest Federal law enforcement official unconnected with the Deep State goes over the Wikileaks emails and Uranium One deal with them in detail, while they are connected to lie detectors that read out on the scoreboard in real time.

    ~Promise a tribute to Las Vegas in which all 500 plus reputed shooting victims from Las Vegas, the accident actors also reputedly observed at the concert, Mr. Campos (without a handler), and all the shooters reputedly found in the footage (and reported by eye witnesses), wear microphones and tell each of their versions of what in the hell really happened that night.

    ~Promise fans attending that Coach Self will appear at half time without any hair augmentation and let them swell with anticipation about whether he is bald or, not.

    ~Issue each fan attending a crimson and blue drone that they get to fly in the field house and try to deflect P-Burger State three point shots with.

    ~Promise fans that representatives of a new humanoid species–Zeeandertal–recently found under the Antarctic ice sheet in caves with Medittereanean micro climates–will attend the game and lecture on their cultural norms of topless representative government at half time.

    ~Promise to invite Adam Sandler to sit on a sofa at center court at half time next to a rape victim holding a logging-grade chainsaw and see if he puts his hand on her leg to try to get a laugh. Inform the rape victim that law enforcement has agreed that she will be within her constitutional rights of self-defense, if she cuts his hand off if he touches her.

    ~Promise fans they will reveal conclusive evidence of who ordered the assassination of JFK after the first TV timeout.

    ~Promise KU will not play Bad Ball!

    (Note: All fiction. No malice.)

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