jaybate 1.0 news service: injury scoop!

  • (Preface for the uninitiated: this is all fake, both in status quo reality and in the Baudrillardian reality that does not exist, capice?)

    jaybate 1.0 news service (jns 1.0)

    Dateline: KU locker room ventilation duct

    Slug: Redshirt Mickelson reputedly undergoes new classified hypernanosurgery to be fitted for Steve Austin-model cyber-elbow augmentation, Self to call it a “nicked up” elbow that needed “a little cleaning up.”

    Typically unreliable jns 1.0 stringers have found a ventilation duct leading into the KU coaches offices big enough for cell phones and cafe dulces and have learned, after 36 straight hours of eaves-dropping on the inside that Redshirt Hunter Mickelson shattered his own elbow in the impact on reputed lion and shark terminator Joel Embiid’s eye socket. The injury viewed initially as potentially ending Mickelson’s career, was turned into a likely XTReme Career Enhancement, when members of an above tip-top secret intel org wearing the latest invisibility cloaking ponchos that left only their faces unconcealed (though they were alas wearing masks from the Wachowski Brothers box office bomb “V”) and said, “We could remake Hunter even better than he was. It can be done in a radical new surgery lasting only 43 seconds and taking only 39 seconds to rehab from. He can be better than he was, Mr. Self. He will be able to throw elbows in a way never seen before in D1. Using the atomic clock to parse seconds into the reciprocal of one Graham Number increments, you will be able, Coach Self, to control remotely Hunter’s new cyber elbow with one of the new, slow selling WiiU compatible non chocks from the bench. You will have the ability, if you wish, to administer XTReme Cheap Shots Classic (previously programmed for Coach Consonants) and XTReme Cheap Shot Lites (specially programmed for you) and so deliver tempo altering impacts to manage games getting out of control. It will make Hunter the new Six Million Dollar Man in time adjusted, petroleum-backed, Federal Reserve debt notes, of course.” Self, to his lasting credit, did not hesitate. He reputedly ordered the XTReme Cheap Shotting capabilities, both classic and lite, disabled completely and asked instead if the cyber elbow could be programmed to automate blocking out on rebounding, something his current team struggles to master? The mysterious intel visitors somewhat disappointed at the lack of violence in Self’s request, guarantied that a blocking out re-coding based on repurposed KUBuckets.com code, would be feasible. So: Self, after conferring with (and gaining approval from) Hunter and his family, gave thumbs up to the surgical procedure. Hunter will train with the new cyber elbow the rest of this season and by next season become a stunning new addition to KU front court players. Self will tell media Hunter’s elbow is nicked up and a little sore and just needs a little clean up in a minor surgery that will make him miss less than a week of practice.

    (Note: All fiction. No malice. And I sure hope both Hunter and Joel are okay and getting better. Rock Chalk!)

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