Fake Basketball Books Coming Out Soon

  • “Winning with Operable Injuries” by by Gill Innerperson, chapters on Leeth Klangford, Casha Pawn, Viral Seed, Davis Ankleford, Prophet Bombsome, Raul Brokeback, Shane Welden, and Granville Treen. Learn when simply not to report operable injuries to catch opponents by surprise and avoid uncomfortable questions about playing with operable injuries. Learn the effective spin terms like “battered” and “nicked up” for characterizing operable injuries being “played through.”

    “Cheap Shotting for Championships The Coach Mik Way,” by Ike Miklishzevski; chapters on the Adams apple chop, the forehead elbow crack, the karate chop to the temple, the right or left nut kick, the stiff screen, the trip from behind, the trip from the side, the trip from in front, the up-ending on the drive, plus kicking and falling on opponents when they are down. The book also contains a chapter on arranging field trips for the team to Guantánamo Bay torture prison and School of the Americas torture training school for teaching U.S. Army torture techniques that are adaptable to Division I basketball.

    “Coaching Not to Know,” by Yon Dingaliberry; learn plausible deniability the Coach Dingle way. Get the benefits of ringers and none of the personal career costs. Learn how to time motion plays relative to vacated seasons. Don’t let NCAA investigations put a damper on recruiting. And it’s all legal.

    “A Guide to Mid Major Exits to Stack Schools,” by Blocky Grinder and Sclock Dolt; learn how to jump from a mid major straight to a planned elite major soon to be stacked by a Big Shoe-Agent complex without ever having to pay dues at a lesser major!! Learn how to sign more and better players than coaches far better than yourself do. Learn five certain signs of a planned stack school.

    “Motion Plays to Majors Getting Their First Stacks,” by Bozo Newsome; learn to take humble credit for top talent showing up inexplicably; suddenly master coaching OADs; learn the can’t miss “it just felt right for my family” justification for taking a job.

    (Note: these are all satire and fiction. No malice!)

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