Some Schmoogle Translations of Recent Bill Selfisms



  • Self: “We’re need more play making on the perimeter.”

    Schmoogle Translation: We’re going to keep going inside first, but I don’t want teams keying on that starting out. And we are NOT playing anyone with a bad wheel, or that is protecting the merchandize, on the perimeter this year.

    Self: “Conner is not really a point guard. He can play some point.”

    Schmoogle Translation: I don’t want a guy with his kind of trey wasting his time thinking about dribbling instead of making it rain from three. But Frank still plays too fast and who knows how Devonte will hold up to D1 speed and violence levels? If Frank and Devonte can carry the mail, then you better believe Conner will fill for Selden and Selden will slide to three, whenever we need to stretch the defense. With Conner off the floor this team has exactly NO 40% three point shooters with police power–i.e., that can protect and defend. Hell, yes, Conner will be in at the end of any close games, where we have a lead and the opponent has to foul. The guy is automatic at the FT line and deadly from outside.

    Self: “Brannen has to buy in on the defensive end.”

    Brannen is in the toughening box, because, well, hell, yes, I’m going to have to depend on him and last season the toughening box was closed for renovation. And its going to get worse before it gets better BGreene. Remember Chalmers wanting to fight me in the huddle his last season? Chalmers had it easy compared to where Brannen is headed. Brannen could be a great one at his height with his gun. But he’s not and that really chafes me in my Fruit of the Looms.

    “We weren’t tough enough last season and it was the coaches fault.”

    I bought into Hudy’s research on easing up on certain parts of the toughness regime to try to have a fresher team down the stretch. Well, freshness only counts in croissants and baguettes, not in basketball. In basketball, its how tough and resourceful you are, when its one and out on an unfamiliar court with referees trying to give games to EST teams, and a lot of side line skirts that don’t know the difference between help and on-ball wanting to stick wireless mikes the size of King Kong vibrators in your face if you trigger a trey without going inside first.

    Self: “Cliff looked good.”

    Schmoogle Translation: If I could figure out how to shut down Jared Sullinger, don’t you think I get that Donovan, or Izzo, can figure out how to shut down Cliff Alexander. Cliff’s an OAD. I have to say all OADs “look good,” or the ShoeCos turn off my service and there’s a reconnection fee of wearing more ugly uniforms. Cliff is a player. He’s going to be good. But I have to say he “looked good,” just like I have to tell alumni I enjoy playing golf with them.

    Self: “We could press.”

    Schmoogle Translation: But we we won’t.

    Self: “We don’t have as much standing height.”

    Schmoogle Translation: Until I substitute Lucas and Mickelson.

    (Note: All fiction. No malice.)


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